Woman

The mall is spacious, but it's filled. One of those weekend days when people flush to the shopping center as though that next purchase won’t make them broke. Years ago I was a boy here, walking with my friends with long t-shirts (because that was in) and eye on any girl that walks passed which looked good. Truth be told, I'm just a young man now...and nothing change. The glance is a little bit more, well...sly, or at least a lot more distinguished. Eighteen years of messing with woman hadn't made me any less shyer though…at times. Funny how I can go from joking one minute, and go quiet because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I always have something to say, even when silence touches my lips, but on this weekend, at Arden Mall, in Puma store with more than two handfuls of people shopping inside I could say something to this one Filipino girl that looked at me when I looked at here. I mean, she had to look over, it's me; my mouth was sort of open too, it was quite obvious there was something. Every day since then when I look back on the moment I beat myself up for not approaching here, but that was only a few months ago and the hesitance comes and goes. Well, right about now I think a little confusing might be cooking up about exactly what I mean by all this, which is fine. Sometimes I don’t even know what I'm talking about, but I at least say it, but that time I didn't. Does anyone have any idea as to why? My quick answer would be because how much I don’t like woman. The long answer would involve how much I love woman, and for the sake of taking cherish moments of your life away I'll go with the long answer. "Once upon a time"...I mean, since I was a child I've grown from woman, nourished from woman, and saw love because of woman. Median, an MC (Rapper) I sort of just discovered, said "Was raised by woman, so I can relate to woman," but then he said "I was raised by Hip Hop culture, so I can relate to rhythm". Now, both quotes represent me, yet they contradict themselves in many ways. Hip-Hop culture isn't renowned for their love of woman, nor is there any in the world to tell the truth.

There is a divergence in my beliefs, in a way, because I love woman, yet the world doesn't. So, how did a black boy that knew what a "ho" was before Shakespeare's romantics hit his ear come to love woman? That is a conundrum worth observation, and the explanation began when I was young. (unfinished)

Listening to: Median - Rize

http://www.zshare.net/audio/55304516521da7/

Idris and I - Today

The date says it above, so no need to explain much more about the date. Anyways, I want to break down some things before I stop blowing up on these blogs.

Idris is a lot of things. He is weird, silly, enjoyable. Sometimes shy, sometimes exuberant. A mix of a nerd, and cool guy - whatever he wants be, he'll be. He doesn't let a lot of people in, inadvertantly, and doesn't like being a lone at all. He likes people. Now, I am simply a man trying to be the best Idris.

Some things that people dont know about Idris, or his life.
- His mom is apparantly a lesbian, and he deals with that contridiction of his faith everyday. How can someone so close to Idris make such a choice? Worst of all, he knows why she made the choice. He was there when she was beat down men, and knew of the fact that she was raped and mistreated by men. The fact that the world's infections, and his moms welcoming of it by not taking contorl over her existence throughout her existence hurts him a lot, but she is also a good mom. Its a conflictive thought.
- His sister, and his beloved nephew and niece are going through a hard time because his conflicted sister is following in his mother's footsteps by allowing men to come into her life and do horrible things to his nephew. He thinks a lot about how his nephew, his NEPHEW, was apparantly molested.
- His brother(s) aren't around. The only men in his life are never around. They are always gone, and so he has to be guided by these feminine figures and it leads him to believe that he is weak at times because the culture says men should be the authorative figures, while his direct enviroment has always consisted of men that wouldn't stay long, were conflicted, died or left him in some way.

He feels a lone a lot, and so he puts up blogs like this to get it out, hoping that his soul wont be eaten up by the main enemy he tries to fight: I.

Listening To: Median - "How Big Is Your World"

Jae 2.0 - Kick Back (Idris' Writing)

In the kick back, relax
So chill, tranquil
The replacement for nyquil
The breif, its that I'm relief
Now just take a seat, letcha mind reach
Idris, climate just change with the name, the world quivers
Yea, just check it, eskimos shiver when I deliver
Down the nile river, believe
It'll grow to split whatcha sea, see
Moses on the beat, pump to the heart
Of ya sole, wearin the reeboks
I mean Adiddas, haha, I'm off the meter
A violation, that's the ingenuine speaker
Expose of the gallery
Pollock mistaken artsry on display
Its moi, the beloved vanguard
Fresh out the can of right guard

Futurisitically lyrically, so chill
I might freeze my first popsicile
So taste the last meal
Gamblin night fast forward, fast-food that kills
That's reel, word to autopsy that occurs
This awarded the oscar, off the curb
Your enthusasim purrs per
Every word, heard, past tense, it occured
Unscroll the prophecy, deadly to see
The enemy is ghostly, such it inner-me
So the killer in my mind, control the spine
Contort the design, yellowish the outline
Steppin out the chalk outline, feelin fine
Inhale, exhale, tellins of the line
This the mindscape as I escape into the rhymes
Just a portrait down this hall of mine, girl its time to dine

http://collect.myspace.com/music/popup.cfm?num=0&time=undefined&fid=67303505&uid=1&t=C ZarVdv/ 38tK7kv5yhfbobPby7ouKp8BpXDbpth2363mT/qARxOrejAaeEjaeO4QxTw26gC3gaU7crIEbZfA==d=NjczMDM1MDVeMTE5NzA3Mzc3OA==

Listening To: Raphael Saadiq - Rifle Love

Eulogy

Illustration, words leak from the native tongue
Slums sum, suburbs subtraction, equal this one
Fresh thought, my brains overspill
Acknowledge it, brush my shoulder off, feel?
Fill, the earth trickles
Happy tears from the ill
Absurd serve of my word, ya smell
Taste it, its sick, turn ya pale
See ya sense/cents fails
Now, lettme exhale
One breathe will tell ya quite well
Wealths power is the nearest to hell
The po' get poorer, rich get richer
Ya flip it, they feel it, ya the opressor
To two, part fingers on you
Peace dude, one, this is love's muse

Music swallowed, somethin hollow
Response mellow, speakin "I don't like ya flow"
That's just how it goes, let it undergo
Expose molds the mode of the know, say no
Circumstance takes a stance
Betta throw on those pants
Take control, or oh no
Mos def, dogg you'll be no mo
Have it black on both side, yaknow
Couldn't see in such darkness with a green lantern glow
Kingdom Come, he aint yo hero
Justice outcha league, ye shoulda had ya drive slow
No good sense/cents, purse the thought
Purse ya lips, you in the wrong spot
Couldn't reach ya dreams, its ashame
Sleepin thru life, wake to the pain

I, interconnect, intellect intersect
Block the block, write perfect
Letters laced in flouressence, smell the essence
Not an issue, get the tissue, it comes next
Monthly it may be, but come on baby
In time for eight and nine, off 7 lady
Still divine, spiraling through the pine
Boxed out, square type design
Somehow assigned to school the mind
So, set-tle down, ya mind
No tears in apperance of the casting
Over, no clouds, oh yes sun/son shining
Def, zombies can't hear me, so lettme speak
Few understand, so I can't call it a preach
My words were memory
Believe, this all was worth the eulogy


Listening: Outkast - "Jazzy Belle"

Brother Back in Town Pt 2

Wont see my bro till sunday, and wont have funny things to look back on like these times.

Brother back in town

My brother, Tyler is back in town. I wont see him again after this break until may, so it'll be nice to have my bro around. Eventually I'll see him everyday when we get an apartment in the fall, and although the time thats pass went by in two seconds its interesting to look back on the memories when he was still around.

So, here is some stuff for me to be reminded whenever my mind fades and I'm old in the jungle. Haha, lala!



I had a crush on the girl in there. Cristy had the flyest personality I have met in a girl, and on top of that...look at her? Ethiopians are real beautiful woman. Anyways, blah blah. Go Tyler!

Interracial Boundaries

Well, this is just me riffing for a second...using the keyboard to express myself. Got me?

Anyways, the thought is interracial relationships. I actually haven't had a serious relationship in all my life, and that is a whole different topic, but I dont think it is anything beyond myself. Yet, the case of interracial boundaries seems like something very external from the wordage, right? Thinking about it as I type I wonder...

Just to give a background on my thought process here, lettme explain myself a bit, okay? Me and relationships seem like something that wont happen until the stars align and everything beautiful in the heavens, yaknow? In the past I've dealt with a lot of different girls on some level: friends, buddys, strangers, and everything in between but I never had a girlfriend. That is very weird for a lot of the girls that know me, and have known me for a while...at least like a year and have gotten comfortable with me. A lot of people see me as a moderately sociable, fluctating between outrageously sociable and talking to anybody and everybody to someone that is quiet. That is a matter of mood, right?

I switch up, but I'm not real moody, it all relates to my health at the time or the situation in life, or occurence, which isn't any better than being moody to me. I much rather the dictator of my moods be internal, as in the case with moody, than something external. Circumstances controlling your movements is absolute foolishness, and I know it. So, as an add in to what I know other people see and have observed is that I may be detatched or incredibly optimistic as though not in touch with reality. Yet, those are my extremes in most cases. For the most part, I'm either shy or talkative, and everyone that involves themselves with me has heard how much i like/love woman.

So, with that all added up how can I not have had a girl? Well, as I said, Ive done everything inbetween, oh yeah, I'm a virgin in all technical terms, meaning I've done things - which I'm sort of ashamed of, because I was real young back then - but I've never gone all the way...but no offical girlfriend for an extended period of time that would be considered like..."yo, hey [so and so]" yaknow? Like my friends wouldn't call her friend - meaning a long relationship...a girl that I was with for a month...or something.

Anyways, how does that background go into interracial relationships/boundaries? Well, Idris is a man that loves woman...not just black woman, or white or whatever. I like them all, dont know why I wouldn't. Even have a little yellow fever - every ethnic group has a woman that attracts me to them - they are still human, yaknow, but the problem arises. The same conadrum that finds it way in a man that is a self-proclaimed women-lover not ever having a real relationships is apparant, but also the fact that breaking through the boundaries of race is a hard one in Babo--I mean America.

I really like the whole idea of having one girl, and not having any others afterwards, but I doubt it right now and want to atleast expirement with a plethora of woman and have a rap sheet that defines my wants without hurting anybody in my escapades, yaknow? I just wanna get to know girls on a level that no friend can, and be apart of someone's life so deeply that even without the titles, the physical affection (kisses, massages, and etc.) would still be someone I was close with. In our culture that comes from either family, but not neccessarily, and also relationships of deep friendships that bare compassion on both sides. One-sides relationships dont work, so anyways, going back to the topic. Now, i want to do that and want to get to know all sort of different people, of different cultures, and different woman...

The problem arises that it's hard to break through that invisible boundary that comes from differences. A lot of people can't see themselves in you, and find attraction when your skin is darker or lighter, so it makes it hard for attraction to even arise. Now, this is a blog and I'm just letting my brains leak, and I dont really have an objective at all beside writing this out, but anyways...i love woman, and I aint got nothing more to say other than I want someone to give me a chance because I'm sick of pursuing only to find a disappointment in the woman's actions, mind-state, or situation.

One

Listening: Jay-Z "Sweet"

I'm Always Writing...

It always seems like I'm writing. Oh yeah, I'm Idris. Guess the best time to introduce myself would be through the first blog, right? Well, I was born June 4th 1989 and I've been doing a lot since then and now. Of course that will be showing up all over the place, because everything that happend is how I became who I am, but don't forget that doesn't dictate the future. All the past stuff just lays down the tracks, some trains go on to better courses...ya know, the ones to nice stops.

Right now, my next stop is a girl. Want one of those. Would like that, but not putting in new coal to burn for the trip to that stop, so it will come while it comes. So, from what I've seen everyone seems to be enjoying the ride and as the conducter I'm feeling pretty decent about it. Sometimes it gets lonely at the front, but eventually I'll find a co-pilot, so there it goes.

If it hasn't been added up yet. I'm only eighteen years old. Somewhere between a man and a...teen, not a boy, exactly. Not that the Ahmad track doesn't hit me a few times, yaknow? got that whole nostalgia thing kickin up all the time, so I have no problem goin back to being silly - not that I'm not always on silly mode - but yaknow what I'm sayin? Anyways, I'm on my way to Morehouse College. I suspect that changing some stuff, because everyday I study or grow I come to learn something new.

Also, I realize I talk too much...type too much...and pictures do a better thing. So lettme shorten my description up with a few values.

Love.People.Music.Pictures.
Yahweh is all those.

Shalom



Listening To: The Roots - "What They Do" feat Rapheal Saadiq

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/roots/halflife/they_do.rts.txt